I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
