A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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