If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
