The maid of honor just puked.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
