No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
