the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
