i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
