i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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