so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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