I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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