There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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