you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
