i was born a porn star she said
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
