Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
