my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
