Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
