census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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