dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
