Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
