Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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