She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
