How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
