Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
