When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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