your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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