we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
