He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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