I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
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