just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The air was thick with penises
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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