just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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