Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Found the puke drawer
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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