The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
