I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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