Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
