Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
