you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
