Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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