you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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