I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
