It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
