Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
