I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
