I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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