I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
