SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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