Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i barfeds in our rink
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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