i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
