my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
