Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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