Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
