I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
